Epiphany

I go through
All this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be
Safe Again with you
Bjork

So I discovered that I have an addiction! I am addicted to unavailable men. Cliche, as it sounds I truly received that message today. I search out the disappointments of men standing me up, avoiding my calls, and ignoring my needs. Its quite possibly the only thing I know of men.

I went to an Art Event tonite. My second featuring the talented Fahamu Pecou. I barely had two dimes to rub together, and I knew there would be free booze at the Gallery, so there I was. I got there extremely late. I had invited a guest. A gentleman I had been having great sex with for a number of weeks. The invitation was an attempt to move our relationship out of the bedroom.

I breached the subject of becoming more than bed buddies and he shared an enthusiasm to have more. There is the issue. Why did, I decide to move our sexual relationship into the platonic. Because, I had to know he couldn't follow through!

In my case, I am addicted to challenge. The challenges I'm addicted to are those I have struggled to overcome my entire life. The task in my mind is to get a man to want me, irregardless of if I truly want him. The less I want him the better. Father issues. Check!

My dad is a classic deadbeat! It took years for me to relieve him from his pedestal. I never acknowledged that his efforts were lackluster. I believed everyone that told me not to tear down my father's image due to his life choices. He was relieved of responsibility by everyone, so I let him off the hook too!So the first man I ever knew ,was the man I know least ,but feel the most drawn too. That's fucked!

I am searching for strangers. I need the men in my life to be enigmatic and hard to tie down or I get fearful. I just cant believe a man has the integrity to say what they mean, although I require
myself to live in honesty. I dare myself daily to be the honest man, I never met. The one thing I craved most, I give readily, a reason. I don't even care if its sufficient! I will settle for the excuse of not knowing better. I don't mind if you make the biggest goof a man can make, just offer an explanation. After that, I can decipher things like consistency and self responsibility. I can feel safe again with him. I can feel safe because I can take on the monster of uncertainty with that one head of the hydra removed.

I recognize that I began taking steps away from this addiction, long before I had these words. The clarity of admittion will hopefully lead me to a future of requiring answers and demanding accountability for the ways people handle my time, body, and emotions. And not only when they have done something wrong.


AINT THAT THE TRUTH!