Epiphany

I go through
All this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be
Safe Again with you
Bjork

So I discovered that I have an addiction! I am addicted to unavailable men. Cliche, as it sounds I truly received that message today. I search out the disappointments of men standing me up, avoiding my calls, and ignoring my needs. Its quite possibly the only thing I know of men.

I went to an Art Event tonite. My second featuring the talented Fahamu Pecou. I barely had two dimes to rub together, and I knew there would be free booze at the Gallery, so there I was. I got there extremely late. I had invited a guest. A gentleman I had been having great sex with for a number of weeks. The invitation was an attempt to move our relationship out of the bedroom.

I breached the subject of becoming more than bed buddies and he shared an enthusiasm to have more. There is the issue. Why did, I decide to move our sexual relationship into the platonic. Because, I had to know he couldn't follow through!

In my case, I am addicted to challenge. The challenges I'm addicted to are those I have struggled to overcome my entire life. The task in my mind is to get a man to want me, irregardless of if I truly want him. The less I want him the better. Father issues. Check!

My dad is a classic deadbeat! It took years for me to relieve him from his pedestal. I never acknowledged that his efforts were lackluster. I believed everyone that told me not to tear down my father's image due to his life choices. He was relieved of responsibility by everyone, so I let him off the hook too!So the first man I ever knew ,was the man I know least ,but feel the most drawn too. That's fucked!

I am searching for strangers. I need the men in my life to be enigmatic and hard to tie down or I get fearful. I just cant believe a man has the integrity to say what they mean, although I require
myself to live in honesty. I dare myself daily to be the honest man, I never met. The one thing I craved most, I give readily, a reason. I don't even care if its sufficient! I will settle for the excuse of not knowing better. I don't mind if you make the biggest goof a man can make, just offer an explanation. After that, I can decipher things like consistency and self responsibility. I can feel safe again with him. I can feel safe because I can take on the monster of uncertainty with that one head of the hydra removed.

I recognize that I began taking steps away from this addiction, long before I had these words. The clarity of admittion will hopefully lead me to a future of requiring answers and demanding accountability for the ways people handle my time, body, and emotions. And not only when they have done something wrong.


AINT THAT THE TRUTH!

Just Call Me Xstacy Jones

Why don't ya ll go over there
Or sit over here and watch?
The only thing you have'nt done for me
I show me why that name is ecstasy!
Dru Hill


Whenever people speculate if Celebrities, and especially musicians are gay I always chuckle. I mean really, the guys playing football and basketball in high school always gave a side eye to Chorus boys. Yes there are gay men that have wide public acclaim and stardom. One in particular, taught me a love lesson I will never forget.

Sometimes the winters in NYC can be so unbearably bitter that the only refuge is the phone. I was looking for conversation on a blustery night of mist and wind. The greetings fellows chose to entice one another with were always so stereotypical. Yo Nigga here looking to hook up with that bottom-No Fats No Fems. As a consistent in-betweener myself I ignored those guys. That eliminated nearly 75% of the chatline. The other voices were trannies, heavy breathers, silent, and the occasional normal guy looking for a chat.

I must admit, I had once or twice hooked up with a chatline guy. It was much more of a process for me than other people I noticed. I never trusted that the person was who they said they were. I imagined every person I chatted with was really a 500 lbs, blind, slob, with a face full of warts.

Wassup Guys, I'm looking to chat. Hit me back! His voice was a raspy low whisper. I pressed to talk with him and the chat operator connected us. It was awkward at first and we stumbled into a conversation about music. He was a church boy and loved his gospel divas. I was really into trip hop at that time and I was all about my Portishead and Moloko. I felt like the devil to his angel. We talked until the chatline told us we would have to pay to talk longer. We quickly exchanged phone numbers.

I hung up and my phone immediately rang. He was laughing and making jokes about the things he heard on the chat line. I eventually started to drift off. I am not a phone person. He suggested he could come over and keep me company. I was staying at a friends close to downtown BK and he was just over the bridge in Manhattan. I said sure. My girl wouldn't mind me having someone over. She did warn me to change the bedding before I left!

An hour later there was a knock on the door and there he stood. He had on a grey sweatsuit that seemed to be a little nicer than one you could get on Fulton street. His Timberland Boots were spotless (I have a sorta fetish for that). His shearling was so beautiful I wanted to sleep in it.

He rushed in and began talking immediately. He asked if I had any alcohol. Fuck its cold out there! U got any thing strong? He said everything with a laugh. He was just a tad shorter than me.He appeared bulkier than his hands let on, slender wrists. I went to take his coat and welcome him in. He took his coat off and slammed it on the floor. He crashed down on the sofa. I picked up the coat and hung it on the closet door.

I sat across from him in my PJ pants and a tank top. We began to chat again. I found him some hot cocoa. He remarked he hadn't had a cup of hot chocolate in years. When I took the cup from him he smiled at me and said You are a really sweet guy. I felt warm inside. He was really handsome in a relateable way. He had a process in his hair and a Cheshire cat grin.

I began to feel sleepy and told him if he wished to stay, he was welcome to the couch. He put his hand on my ass and said Are you sure? No I wasn't. I invited him upstairs. I though what could a little make out session hurt.It didn't hurt at all. Not a single inch of him. I went to sleep with a smile on my face and his legs wrapped over me.

When I woke up, he was getting dressed. I could smell him moving around. Fahrenheit. He moved slowly trying not to wake me. I purred Good Morning. He came and leaned over me and gave me a kiss on the forehead. I felt okay with what had happened. He apologized for waking me, I looked so sweet sleeping. Everything was sweet! He told me he would be out of the country for a while and he would hit me when he was back in NYC. I told him I was a big boy and could handle a one night stand. Inside I was a little sad. I slipped on my tank and PJ pants and walked him downstairs. His cell rang, he mumbled OK. I went to the door. He grabbed me from my waist and pulled me back. Kissing my shoulders and grabbing my thighs, he whispered thank you. I opened the door. A black car pulled up he hurriedly ran to it. Layered up with Sunglasses on, he looked so expensive.

I was watching TV later that day and Kurt Loder came on with his monotone voice.He announced that Dru Hill would be leaving NYC for international Tour dates. They would stop by TRL on Monday.

I nearly spilled my Honey Nut Cheerios. I knew he looked familiar. I called him immediately, and told him to bring me back a souvenir. He laughed and told me he thought I knew, and I said Its not like you have blond hair!

I did see him again. Years later. I don't think he recognized me.


PSYCH! APRIL FOOLS DAY!

What R&B Star Would you sleep with?

AINT THAT THE TRUTH!