Epiphany

I go through
All this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be
Safe Again with you
Bjork

So I discovered that I have an addiction! I am addicted to unavailable men. Cliche, as it sounds I truly received that message today. I search out the disappointments of men standing me up, avoiding my calls, and ignoring my needs. Its quite possibly the only thing I know of men.

I went to an Art Event tonite. My second featuring the talented Fahamu Pecou. I barely had two dimes to rub together, and I knew there would be free booze at the Gallery, so there I was. I got there extremely late. I had invited a guest. A gentleman I had been having great sex with for a number of weeks. The invitation was an attempt to move our relationship out of the bedroom.

I breached the subject of becoming more than bed buddies and he shared an enthusiasm to have more. There is the issue. Why did, I decide to move our sexual relationship into the platonic. Because, I had to know he couldn't follow through!

In my case, I am addicted to challenge. The challenges I'm addicted to are those I have struggled to overcome my entire life. The task in my mind is to get a man to want me, irregardless of if I truly want him. The less I want him the better. Father issues. Check!

My dad is a classic deadbeat! It took years for me to relieve him from his pedestal. I never acknowledged that his efforts were lackluster. I believed everyone that told me not to tear down my father's image due to his life choices. He was relieved of responsibility by everyone, so I let him off the hook too!So the first man I ever knew ,was the man I know least ,but feel the most drawn too. That's fucked!

I am searching for strangers. I need the men in my life to be enigmatic and hard to tie down or I get fearful. I just cant believe a man has the integrity to say what they mean, although I require
myself to live in honesty. I dare myself daily to be the honest man, I never met. The one thing I craved most, I give readily, a reason. I don't even care if its sufficient! I will settle for the excuse of not knowing better. I don't mind if you make the biggest goof a man can make, just offer an explanation. After that, I can decipher things like consistency and self responsibility. I can feel safe again with him. I can feel safe because I can take on the monster of uncertainty with that one head of the hydra removed.

I recognize that I began taking steps away from this addiction, long before I had these words. The clarity of admittion will hopefully lead me to a future of requiring answers and demanding accountability for the ways people handle my time, body, and emotions. And not only when they have done something wrong.


AINT THAT THE TRUTH!

So I must admit to my inner Velvet Rage! I grew up in the Suburbs of Washington DC and life for me was void of excitement and interest.It seemed at some point around my early adolescence, I became obsessed with the idea of life being full of adventures.

I loved any movie that was set in Europe or an exotic location. I especially was devoted to James Bond. High speed chases and danger all around were my escapes. I was lucky enough to grow up around trees and quiet country roads. I would imagine myself on high speed chases,pedaling for my life on my Electric Blue Mongoose. If I was feeling particularly adventurous I would take on Construction sites.

I used to have a living room in the woods. Someone discarded a green sofa in a Clearing in the Woods beyond my neighborhood park.It was my lair. I would hatch plans to assassinate Despots and Terrorists. It was my place of safety.

As I grew, I yearned to be an international citizen. The word international gleamed in my head. Borders were nothing but imaginary lines, drawn by greedy men , seeking to control the most uncontrollable force on earth, Humanity. I was eager to join the world in a progression to Utopia. A world where I was an Earthling and not an American. That's why I have no problem picking up and moving to this day.

But underneath it all, I know its the Boogeyman. The narrative I created for myself in order to escape the tedium of life in the Burbs. Growing up in a Military Family, moving was a way of life. When my mother was honorably discharged from service, we retired to Clinton,Md. Where she could easily access her veterans access to Andrew Air Force Base. Our home was nice, and had a pool in the backyard. There were a few repairs needed.My life became a renovation project. It never turned out quite right.

My teen years in Suburbia fueled my urge for City living. I never want to return to the Suburbs. I never want to be bored and looking at just my neighbors house again. I never want to go from window to window and see virtually the same picture everyday. Barring changes in Weather or additions to the decor of my neighbors homes, the view was permanent. It gave me the feeling of entrapment.It was a prison. A mental prison ,nonetheless, I felt the need to RUN!I have ever since.

I want to stop, and lay safely in my over sized bed.I want to enjoy a prescription induced slumber. I want to stay out all night at parties with Artists and Dancers. I want to park my car in my garage with electric door. I want to accept invitations to visit friends in Villas on Private Islands. I want to have a dog. I want a husband. I want to have affairs. I want what I want. A life full of desire. Instead I keep packing and moving.

AINT THAT THE TRUTH!

What dont happen in a year
Happens in a Day!
Dem Say

So Atlanta is finally unfolding for me. Letting me in to see the social side of this otherwise working class town. I had the best weekend ever! Here is the rundown.

Friday

I am dressed in my favorite uniform, Blue jean jacket and distressed denim pants. I have accented the blues with a beautiful pumpkin orange silk scarf. My new street hikers are olive green and they gently blend into the worn edges of my jeans. I feel very sexy.

I'm off to attend a Talk Show. Its talk show as installation piece by Atlanta artist, Fahamu Pecou. The guests include the editor-in-chief of local rag Creative Loafing, a local Art Critic, a guitar playing man mummified in Toilet Paper, and a founding producer of the Dungeon Family hip hop crew. I stood in the back. I learned so much about Atlanta pop culture. This City seems to be much more aware of the death of Nightlife than any other , I have encountered. I figure its due to the amount of Money, Atlanta saw during that period. As usual, I'm always too late for the real fun.

The ease with which everyone related was refreshing. It showed a capacity for diversity, that I feared this City lacked. Fahamu's candid nature and, fashionable appearance helped to maintain the edge of the scene. Mnsr. Pecou sports a "Gumby" ( that I learned in Atlanta has a much more complicated name), wears vintage suiting, and never removes his aviators. He is Bobby Brown meets Chris Rock with a sprinkling of Austin Powers.

Saturday

I FB'd Fahamu. We ended up chatting for quite a while.He is BRILLIANT! I am very excited about seeing more of his Art and his productions.

Later in the Afternoon,it finally happened. I got my boo to come over and chill with me. One problem, he wasn't free to come until the evening. He ended up showing up, right in time to pull me away from my BFF's housewarming. Luckily the BFF lives in the same apartment complex!

Between running back and forth to the party to pretend like I was indeed there, I was laying in my bedroom smooching and talking to my new boo. Luckily, the BFF never caught on. He was too wasted.

We ended that night at out local Boy Bar. Drunk and stumbly. I don't remember, how I got home.

Sunday

I got him twice! My boo and I decided to catch a movie. I got the tix online and we met up at the GAYTACULAR Piedmont park. He had been out chilling with friends. It was a nice casual meet up. I could tell they were a little taken aback, by his size. What can I say! I love a Big Ol' teddy bear! I hugged him Hello. Hugged my friends Goodbye. These are the days when I feel the most blessed. I can feel safe to love in my own way in the Sunshine! No need to go darting in dark corners or back alleys. I can love out in the open. To know within my lifetime that this occurred is beautiful. To know it doesn't happen everywhere, and I get to experience it, is very humbling.

We saw Date Night. Starring Tina Fey and Steve Corell, this movie is funny x 10. It was a perfect movie for two SNL fans on their first real date. We ended the night, walking off the Burgers we had for dinner at Atkins Park ( I know perfect name for a Burger joint). I enjoyed a cup of Ben& Jerry's Oatmeal Crunch, while we strolled down North Highland. A strip of Bars and boutiques a little off the main roads. It was a perfect night.

So as you can see, I haven't been blogging this week. That's because the weekend extended to Wednesday! I will give you part deux, manana! LOL!

AINT THAT THE TRUTH!

Talk to Me

Your always actin so composed and cool

Never got many words for me

You always turn your head to make sure I see

Baby ain't nothin wrong with the love

You and I dream of, So sweet

Your eyes can say more than your lips can speak

Amerie

Sometimes when you are getting to know someone, you have to rely on emotional intelligence. More often than not, you should back up your intuition with communication. The scenario, I try to avoid is the misconception that creates miscommunication.

I have been the victim of fantasies my entire life. I am a Tall, Athletically built, African-American Male. People would always walk up to me and ask me about football and girlfriends. I am non-gender performing. As a Poet once noted I stand flat footed, akimbo, with hands firmly on hips. I am at ease with my feminine nature.

Dating men, the fantasies have ranged from stereotyping to fetish. I look intimidating, people say. This leads to men approaching me to be dominated. I have a masculine appearance ( stereotypically). This leads to men disappointed by my gay cultural mannerisms. I make no apologies, but I am a sophist. I behave according to the environment.

The worst fantasy to be cast in is that of relationship monger. This often occurs when one participant is a commitment phobe ( usually unaware), and the other is a communicator. Heterosexual couples tend to rely on gender stereotypes to explain this scenario. Being SGL when one faces this crises, it can often leave both parties pointing fingers.

I have witnessed numerous weekend plans, conversations about goals, or inquiries like" what are you up to" cause breakups between male/male couples.The commitment phobe (CP) assumes everything is about gaining control. The communicator assumes every omission is a tactic. Assumptions although problematic are natural. It is the conscious effort to dispel the perception, that builds a relationship.

The CP has to realize that all interactions are a relationship. In every communication your a gaining more access to a person and them to you. No matter what you do. The unavoidable consequence of social interaction is a memory. Make it the best one you can.

The communicator has to act definitively and without fear. Problems tend to erupt from coding your inquiries. Realize your intentions are only transparent to you. Talk from intention. And be ready to listen.

It is neither persons fault that relationships fail. The failure of a coupling has too many variables to point blame. Open you heart. Open your eyes. Look with your mind. Hear with your soul.

AINT THAT THE TRUTH!

Daddy's Home

I ain't gotta do a lot of flexin

Shorty you already know what it is

And girl tonight we gonna do a lot of sexin

Can't nobody do your body like this .

Usher

So one of my mentor's was curious about current day ATL. He said he left this City more than a decade ago. I am guessing he hasn't been back. I don't blame him.

The culture of this City is best described as, What one person cant get away with another one can. It may not be your style to wear a wig in 80 degree weather,with a creme and chocolate pinstriped suit, but that guy did and he loves it!That's not a sign of mental illness, he just like wearing that! Don't you judge him.

But I do. I judge people based on how they prepare for the elements. I discern whether a person is safe or not by how they move. I look for signs that a person is genuine or not. If none of that is important to you, you will love Atlanta.

I have met some of the most inconsistent, inconsiderate, downright crazy people I have ever met in all of my years. I have been stood up, lied to, begged from, and callously handled more in Atlanta than New York City, Washington D.C., and Boston combined. I assure you, the offenders are all Atlantans or Southerners. ( It is often argued that most of the offensive people here are Northerners).

The biggest problem with Atlanta's culture is it is in denial. The roads take you through not to, so Downtown Atlanta is skid row. Gas is expensive, yet most people live and work in opposite suburbs. Most people I know commute at least 45 minutes to work. The biggest industry is Service/Hospitality. A field known for late hours. Yet, Public transportation is scarce.There is no Medicare, yet there is one institution responsible for providing health care for the cities growing uninsured population. The African American community presents itself as a force but leave millions of Atlanta residents homeless or living in blight.

The Architecture is contemporary and creates a sprawling skyline. By sprawling I mean, disconnected. There are about 5 skylines and they belong to varying centers of business. There is Dunwoody, Buckhead. Smyrna, Downtown, and Midtown. I often see one to the east but I refuse to venture that way. This creates a lot of centers of population. People live everywhere! You will not have the comfort of running into your friends at the supermarket. Forget late night meet ups at IHOP! Your friends are too exhausted and live too far away.

This makes dating almost impossible. But the denial virus spreads quickly. Invites to Come Chill are frequent. That's because travel, gas, and restaurant tabs are too expensive for random dating. Plus he probably lives in some unremarkable place that you will never find in daylight on your own. He is not worried about that anyways, because he will probably move next month. Lease!Schmease!

The saving grace of Atlanta is the Land. It is a rolling lush green paradise of deciduous and evergreen forests. It is so brilliantly blue and green looking out over Atlanta's landscape that I often feel that I am on another planet. It is hyper real. There are lakes and Mountains nearby. The pervasive Kudzu that overtakes buildings and empty lots. This is why I love Atlanta.

I guess something can be said for a City that lets people openly be the messes we are. It is taking some adjustment. Where I consider home, people are very clear about there personality. Up north, people take great strains to protect their private lives. Not down here! People wont say what they are thinking, but they will clearly demonstrate their distaste. It is a very human place. I will keep you posted as to if I'm home for good.
AINT THAT THE TRUTH!

Come Close to Me

Your heart and mind, baby, follow it,
Smile, happiness you can model it,
And when you feel opposite,
I just want you to know,
Your whole being is beautiful
Common


You don't know what to do about what you are feeling. The entire scenario has climaxed. It is not what you wanted, planned, or expected. Its a disappointment. All you have left is, WHY?

The questions are the same for every scenario. No matter what the extremity of the situation.Banal to violent, the events that led to this point lead a path back to intention.Relationship building is the work of intuiting and understanding your partners motives.

You read a text and wonder about word choice.

It all started with a reply. I was invited to hang with him and friends. Mr.Suburban had made it clear he was not interested in making an extra effort so that I could come. I contemplated joining him later in the evening and was rebuffed. " They are acting a fool..."What!? In my head, this is an evasion. I say "Ok :( Enjoy Urself". I thought over it all night.

There is the step after you know you are attracted to each other. In this level of coupling, you are supposed to start adventuring.Memories of your times together must be crafted in a unique way. You take each others hands and run off to find a space where you can enjoy being yourselves. Separately yet together you will look for ways to impress each other with the world you see. Showing off objects and abilities developed in your imagination communicates to your new friend, your capacity for trust.I feel me and Mr. Suburban have skipped this part. A unscheduled detour that we did not have enough fuel to complete.

Then it happened. He text me, after I had written him off. I executed a strategic text conversation to allow my feelings to come out without abrupt disorder. I was pleasant. In actuality, I was livid. I felt taken for granted and dismissed. That I wasn't enough to attract this brutha back my way. I was ashamed.

In an act of chivalry he initiated a phone conversation. I felt relieved to hear him listen to my complaints. I did my best to keep it simple.

When you were a kid and found a new friend, you kept a tally of the extremity of offenses committed to you.Your feeble attempts to gain revenge or stop the infractions, developed the power dynamic of your relationship. Hopefully on your way to self development you discovered the concept Positive Reciprocity. That love is feeling you are fed and its contagious, you spread it. It is energy that reverberates a powerful abundant feeling. When you feel the unloving act of a new friend you must firm your boundaries.

We discussed the infraction and he mended his error with an apology. More than the apology was the acknowledgement that his actions had a negative impact on me. Today I feel very positive about us. Today I feel like I, indeed have a new friend.


AINT THAT THE TRUTH!

Tightrope

Whether your High or LOw

You Gotta

Tip on the Tightrope
Janelle Monae



I love this WOMN! But more than what she looks like and her vocal talent. I love her fearlessness. I understand her.

Its Easter Weekend, and I am not into it. I don't like Holidays, especially religious ones. They bring about a level of bourgeois performance anxiety that I am immune to , but am always the victim of.Most of my memories of Holidays as a child were quite traumatic. I never liked the idea of showing off just for the cameras. Either this is something you lived or didn't.

I had a bit of a tiff with my BFF today. He continues the anxiety ridden tradition of Holiday time. I knew I was in trouble when I got the text a few days ago. What are you doing for Easter? First of all, what do people do for Easter? My friend TV wisely surmised that Easter is a "Let Down". You only get Chocolate, the ridiculous clothes, and the Bonnets. I agree, I don't even like chocolate.

One of the most Iconic memories of my childhood takes place during Easter. My father, whom I am the namesake and spitting image of, was newly returned from Prison and wanted to spend Easter with me. There is a photo of us. I, missing my two front teeth, am smiling from ear to ear in my Gray pinstripe suit. The suit was accented with Pink shirt and Pink Satin Bow tie. I am holding a stuffed bunny, and my dad is holding me. We make a handsome pair.

I devoured the customary Easter Supper. I was satisfied and ready to shed my suit and begin my playtime, when my father's aunt informed me that she couldn't believe how much I enjoyed the Rabbit stew! I thought it was chicken. I smiled and went up stairs. I looked at my stuffed bunny smiling at me on my bed. I cried for about 10 minutes.

Holidays are an excuse to show off. It is yearly progress report for relations chosen and sanguine. Everyone can come together and be proud of the accomplishments of that day. I excused myself from Easter dinner tomorrow. But I will probably show up. ( Im in charge of the refreshments)

After a good Diner one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations
Oscar Wilde
AINT THAT THE TRUTH!

Everyday's Holiday

When I think of you
Better days and get aways
Cuz everydays a Holiday
With You
Esthero

Its Good Friday and its a warm spring day. I love the warm air and the tingle of spring. The reawakening of my senses and libido. Some people want to cuddle and be close all winter. Winter depresses me( Yea I'm one of those people). Because I am a teddy bear type of guy, I often get the winter husband status. One of my winter husbands has lasted for a few years now. I love him and he knows who he is.

I often think about a monogamous life, living in the suburbs with children with him. Although we are both City people with voracious sexual appetites, I still dream. The song that inspired today's post is "Our" song. I cant hear it without thinking of him.

We used to take these road trips around DC . Just drive and smoke up and ride. This was before Gas prices went crazy. Even though I loathe driving, I enjoyed the pointless nature of it all. One spring day we hopped in my little sports car and put on the Esthero EP. It is one of my favorite Cd's to smoke to,to this day. We drove around the Chesapeake Bay towns of Annapolis and Chesapeake Beach. We got a little lost and laughed about it. He taught me how to relax.

I am usually at ease in other people's company, but when the intimacy grows, I tend to get anxious. I begin to crave alone time. Irritability and critical thoughts begin to crowd out pleasantries. He always met my abruptness, with a giggle. He would shake his head and say Baby you need to give that shit up. I didn't understand. But I knew to shut the hell up.

Single person behavior is the hardest thing to give up when embarking on a relationship. Eating cold cuts out the pack while reading fashion magazines. Picking between my toes until they are raw. Laying around in PJ's for three days. You may get back to all of that but it takes a period of adjustment. You have to adjust to feel comfortable to resume the behavior. They have to feel comfortable enough to accept your needs while maintaining their boundaries.

I am seeing a guy right now that I can't seem to pull out of the house. He lives in the suburbs. Something I would have avoided if we had met on the Internet. I would have tried to judge his mobility through an interview. Do you come to the city often? What do you do for fun? What is your favorite restaurant?

I have a little fear that he is not that into me. However, he reassures me to not have any fear, he is indeed into me. He admits to his lazy streak and warned me of his traumatic allergies. I'm going to stick it out. Better days and get aways, he is not. Maybe I had that already. Maybe my "Everyday's Holiday" man will be the only one. I know for sure, he would tell me to Give this shit up and enjoy the brother as he is.

Love you ALWA7S

AINT THAT THE TRUTH!

Just Call Me Xstacy Jones

Why don't ya ll go over there
Or sit over here and watch?
The only thing you have'nt done for me
I show me why that name is ecstasy!
Dru Hill


Whenever people speculate if Celebrities, and especially musicians are gay I always chuckle. I mean really, the guys playing football and basketball in high school always gave a side eye to Chorus boys. Yes there are gay men that have wide public acclaim and stardom. One in particular, taught me a love lesson I will never forget.

Sometimes the winters in NYC can be so unbearably bitter that the only refuge is the phone. I was looking for conversation on a blustery night of mist and wind. The greetings fellows chose to entice one another with were always so stereotypical. Yo Nigga here looking to hook up with that bottom-No Fats No Fems. As a consistent in-betweener myself I ignored those guys. That eliminated nearly 75% of the chatline. The other voices were trannies, heavy breathers, silent, and the occasional normal guy looking for a chat.

I must admit, I had once or twice hooked up with a chatline guy. It was much more of a process for me than other people I noticed. I never trusted that the person was who they said they were. I imagined every person I chatted with was really a 500 lbs, blind, slob, with a face full of warts.

Wassup Guys, I'm looking to chat. Hit me back! His voice was a raspy low whisper. I pressed to talk with him and the chat operator connected us. It was awkward at first and we stumbled into a conversation about music. He was a church boy and loved his gospel divas. I was really into trip hop at that time and I was all about my Portishead and Moloko. I felt like the devil to his angel. We talked until the chatline told us we would have to pay to talk longer. We quickly exchanged phone numbers.

I hung up and my phone immediately rang. He was laughing and making jokes about the things he heard on the chat line. I eventually started to drift off. I am not a phone person. He suggested he could come over and keep me company. I was staying at a friends close to downtown BK and he was just over the bridge in Manhattan. I said sure. My girl wouldn't mind me having someone over. She did warn me to change the bedding before I left!

An hour later there was a knock on the door and there he stood. He had on a grey sweatsuit that seemed to be a little nicer than one you could get on Fulton street. His Timberland Boots were spotless (I have a sorta fetish for that). His shearling was so beautiful I wanted to sleep in it.

He rushed in and began talking immediately. He asked if I had any alcohol. Fuck its cold out there! U got any thing strong? He said everything with a laugh. He was just a tad shorter than me.He appeared bulkier than his hands let on, slender wrists. I went to take his coat and welcome him in. He took his coat off and slammed it on the floor. He crashed down on the sofa. I picked up the coat and hung it on the closet door.

I sat across from him in my PJ pants and a tank top. We began to chat again. I found him some hot cocoa. He remarked he hadn't had a cup of hot chocolate in years. When I took the cup from him he smiled at me and said You are a really sweet guy. I felt warm inside. He was really handsome in a relateable way. He had a process in his hair and a Cheshire cat grin.

I began to feel sleepy and told him if he wished to stay, he was welcome to the couch. He put his hand on my ass and said Are you sure? No I wasn't. I invited him upstairs. I though what could a little make out session hurt.It didn't hurt at all. Not a single inch of him. I went to sleep with a smile on my face and his legs wrapped over me.

When I woke up, he was getting dressed. I could smell him moving around. Fahrenheit. He moved slowly trying not to wake me. I purred Good Morning. He came and leaned over me and gave me a kiss on the forehead. I felt okay with what had happened. He apologized for waking me, I looked so sweet sleeping. Everything was sweet! He told me he would be out of the country for a while and he would hit me when he was back in NYC. I told him I was a big boy and could handle a one night stand. Inside I was a little sad. I slipped on my tank and PJ pants and walked him downstairs. His cell rang, he mumbled OK. I went to the door. He grabbed me from my waist and pulled me back. Kissing my shoulders and grabbing my thighs, he whispered thank you. I opened the door. A black car pulled up he hurriedly ran to it. Layered up with Sunglasses on, he looked so expensive.

I was watching TV later that day and Kurt Loder came on with his monotone voice.He announced that Dru Hill would be leaving NYC for international Tour dates. They would stop by TRL on Monday.

I nearly spilled my Honey Nut Cheerios. I knew he looked familiar. I called him immediately, and told him to bring me back a souvenir. He laughed and told me he thought I knew, and I said Its not like you have blond hair!

I did see him again. Years later. I don't think he recognized me.


PSYCH! APRIL FOOLS DAY!

What R&B Star Would you sleep with?

AINT THAT THE TRUTH!